Hope > Quitting

I am so stinking stubborn. I don't shake it off. I don't let it go. I am too wrapped up in all I don't do- not what I can do. I shut down. I don't want to talk. I want to hang up, to walk away. I want to seclude and isolate myself because it seems impossible. The issues are too big. They run too deep. There seems to be no solution. I let myself remember that. I have given up hope in too many ways. How sad.


It is harder than I thought. I allowed all these outside issues to come in. I opened up the floodgates of criticism and haven't found my footing since. You said I had a bad attitude 98% of the time. When did that happen? I was not always that person. You never used to make me this mad. When did that start? What is this? I have not been this anxious or worried in so long. We are not perfect but we are here. This is where we are. Let's get the heck out of this phase please.


We say all the right words. I know what to say to ease your fears and everyone else's. Let's please stop pretending. We are all broken together. We screw up. We fall off. We do things we never ever thought we would. We are changing. Hopefully we are growing. I am chasing so many pipe dreams that I don't even know where I started. I talk in circles. We second guess each other. We say too much. We go too soon. We don't pick up where we left off. We lose faith. We hold strife. We aren't enough.

What is?

sell out

I have totally sold out to Twitter.

Don't judge me. I swear it is fun. Currently, I enjoy Twitter wayyy more than dumb Facebook. So whatever, i heart twitter.

It is almost a holiday weekend. This time a year ago, I was an intern helping set up for 4th of July festivities. All the interns had to do the manual labor in both setting up and tearing down. Well, the boys had to do manual labor. Us girls decorated with those annoying little confetti bags and streamers. And twirly American flags. Real classy stuff. And once the partay was over, we got to go home.

Fast forward one year. Tomorrow- I will be working until approximately 6:06 when parents decide to come get their kids from daycare. So I will be spending my 4th of July eve sweating in the Texas sun, handing out popsicles, explaining AGAIN that playdoh is an inside toy, pulling kids out of the broken wagon, yelling to get off the top of the swing, get away from the fence, don't shove, don't run, stop fighting, don't say mean words, and the list goes on.

Nothing more patriotic than tired children in the summer sun.

Happy Fourth =)

Friendship

I feel painfully fragile today.

I feel unsure of what to say. I feel broken for all of the loss. I feel scared. I feel intimidated and upset.

But I think one of the most beautiful aspects of friendships is that we hurt for each other. We hurt with each other- by choice. We do not have to but we do. We take our friends' sorrows as our own. We grieve together. We choose to walk down the darkest roads with each other. We choose to rally together and walk into the dark.

(blog hug)

recap later

I promise I will recap the last couple of days later in the week. I am honestly too tired and worn out right now- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. It has been a rough few days around these parts but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is resilience just when I think there is only weakness. There is endurance when I feel exhaustion coming on. There is still laughter, still joy, still hope. And that is a blessing.

I have to give 2 speeches this week to wrap up my summer class so pray for me. As much as I love talking to people- I HATE talking at people. I am a terribly public speaker so I'm practicing a lot and rehearsing but I have never done well in front of large groups of strange people. ACK. I'm nervous just thinking about. The only redeeming value here is that my professor video tapes the speeches and I made the mistake of mentioning that to a few people so now we will all get to laugh at my feeble attempt to make homemade playdoh and explain the benefits of eating breakfast. Great topics, I know.

Goodnight and good luck.

Good Ol' Fashioned Commitment

I have wanted to write a serious post for a week or two since the majority of my blogs lately have been silly and I am not always silly. I am usually silly though. So I have been racking my brain and trying to form a coherent thought that I could blog about. I tried to write about the end of a really good series at Legacy but I couldn't express it very well without writing a small novel. I tried to write about a few situations in my life but felt I shouldn't disclose such personal info on the big world wide web. And then, I had nothing.

But, because God is good like this, I remembered a few conversations and things I've seen lately about commitment. I am not sure I have anything groundbreaking or terribly insightful to say. Actually, I am positive I don't. I just wanted to see if I could sort my thoughts out.

I have said it once and I will say it a million more times: people and relationships with people are messy. They don't match up. They don't make sense. The lines are always blurred. Intentions are rarely clear. People fail us. People hurt us. But we are all redeemable.

I am 20 years old and the daughter of 2 people who have shown me that marriage is hard work. I cannot lie and say they have always made it look easy. But they have always made it look worthwhile. I heard tonight that the latest statistic from whoever it is that studies this kind of stuff is that 53% of all marriages end in divorce. 53%!!! More than half for all you non-math people like myself. That is astounding and scary and disturbing. No wonder very few people in my generation take dating seriously. No wonder I can name multiple friends who have zero desire to ever get married. Why am I still surprised then? Maybe it is because I have somehow stumbled into a committed relationship that just kinda works-against the odds. Maybe it is because I have always fought to keep the people I care about. Or maybe I am a romantic at heart who still believes God created all of us to love someone else perfectly.

I honestly don't want to be a part of a world where divorce continues to devastate. Pack it up, I want out.

But alas, here I am.

I know I fail to commit a lot. I don't want to risk too much. I don't have the time or energy. I don't want to entangle myself. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to come across a certain way. I don't want to depend on anyone or anything. But- truth be told- I am needy. And how I expect to have my needs met without any commitment or work on my part is a mystery. It is foolish of me. It is selfish of me.

So I am realizing that maybe I need to start showing my "commitment-phobic" friends how. Because what I am committing to is fool-proof. My heart cannot ever be broken by the God I should give it to. I need to trust that He is the truth. He beats the statistics every time. He makes perfect what this world and Satan seek to destroy. He makes everything beautiful. And He desires us to commit. Jesus invested daily in those who weren't worth it. He committed time and not just for an hour but for eternity. I think that living "The Jesus Way" calls me to commit because my future is guaranteed. I must commit my life. Maybe not in a romantic, dating, marriage kinda way (or maybe so). But in a bigger sense. Commit to my friends. Commit to school and work. Commit to life, to living a certain way, to living better.

Commitment is scary and intimidating because we don't know what the future holds. The majority of the "big plans" I made have been utterly destroyed but rebuilt and reborn into ones I never even considered. I am not certain I won't become a statistic one day. I know I don't want to be. I know I will do everything in my power to stay committed to my family and friends and future husband. But things on this broken ground have a tendency to fall apart.

But not for good.

We are redeemable. We will be made perfect. Relationships will be renewed. Marriages will be saved. People will be pulled from the wreckage of this earth and restored. I am salvageable. You are too.

I promise.

dear blog?

Are you a glorified xanga?

Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

(if so- your secret's safe with me)

"I Never See You"

Thank God, Thank God you're okay. I could have lost you,

You had me afraid. You know when you're still away,

The thoughts in my head are nails in my bed, keep me away.

Did you see how close my feet were to the edge when you came to me? Oh do you see it?

You say that you're not leaving. I wanna believe it's true but I never see you.

I'm out on the edge waiting, again. Nothing that I can, yeah I never see you.

Your voice is only a tease. It never seems to calm my agony.

Though I'm a man of faith, it's hard to believe in what you can't see. '

Did you see how close my feet were to the edge when you came to me? Oh do you see it?

You say that you're not leaving. I want to believe it's true but I never see you.

hurry home.

-s

I am crazy for

• working full-time with children
• working full-time with children AND taking a class
• staying up so late
• ordering both a large Dr. Pepper AND a large sweet tea at Chick-Fil-A (don't judge me)
• showering and completely getting ready in between work and class
• sitting here writing a blog when I should go blow dry my hair
• living in Texas in this crippling heat
• working full-time with children
• encouraging C to stay at school to take classes (come home) all summer
• loving the people I do so desperately
• working full-time with children

And that is so not a complete list. The actual list is a very long and distinguished one that I keep tucked away somewhere safe. Don't worry- it is updated frequently.

is this really how it's going to be?

It's Just Like Payday (with no actual money involved)

I get paid tomorrow (!!!) and because I am poor and should really save my money (hey dad), I can't buy anything. Except Rilo Kiley tickets but that's another story.

So, because I love a good pipe dream and have too much time on my hands- I thought I would post about how I would spend some of my paycheck.

Let's begin, shall we?

This is a top from UrbanOutfitters.com and I have been watching it for a few weeks. It's on sale but I can't imagine how it would look on me. I love the design but don't get me started about

what goes under it. Too much for my mind to handle at the end of the week so I guess this one is more of a "what I'd look at for 45 minutes and kinda panic about before deciding not to get it" shirt than "what I'd buy."

Moving on...

This is a rug from Urban Outfitters. This is just funny and I would never buy it but Caroline would love it. Man- I am failing terribly at this list...

Ok for real now

I adore this skirt from Anthropologie. It is a part of their newest collection "Clean Cuts." Everything in the collection looks very polished and put together, without being frumpy or too formal. Lovelovelove. And cannot afford atallatallatall. But precious nonetheless.

Also from Anthro-

Words cannot express my love for this dress. It is perfect. I am saving up for it so hopefully in the next 3 years, I will be able to gawk at it from across the room, not on a computer screen.

And I will probably buy some black sandals because I have zero idea what happened to the pair I lovingly picked out to be a staple in my wardrobe. Hours upon hours spent in vain only to be robbed of my "perfect black sandal" by time and moving and maybe a friends' house. Not bitter.

So that is all for now. Happy payday!

to be quite honest

My hands are shaking as I start this because I don't know quite what to say. Words don't do what I am feeling justice but writing is cathartic for me so I will try. Nothing has happened. Nothing is "wrong," except my attitude.

Attitude issues are not uncommon for me. They are just extremely private. I am the kind of person who will deal with a tough situation in an upstanding, respectable way but later, in private, I will bad mouth those involved and work myself up about it. And it has really become a struggle for me because recently, my attitude has been much more public. I have been a pessimistic voice, a gossiping voice, a rude voice, a mean voice. My attitude and stubbornness has distanced me and isolated me from those I love. And it is pathetic and childish. I feel embarrassed and ridiculous. I have thrown more temper tantrums in the last 2 months than most 6 year olds. I have had melt down after melt down because I refused to just get over myself.

Several times in the last week, I have felt an insight into the situation. I have felt like God is revealing Himself to me through the situations those around me are in. I actually sat around a table last night, among close close friends, and gave advice on the importance of moving on past a failure or screw up to grow from it. I was speaking directly to myself. I have failed. I have messed up. I am carrying those around like chips on my shoulder. I expect other people to recognize that, to see my shortcomings and inefficiencies, and to reject me. But they don't.

Mercy is so beautiful like that. I do not even deserve to know these people as friends and family. I do not deserve to even call him back. But I try, and not only does he answer, he forgives. He sympathizes, he listens. And lately, it is him showing me His love, His mercy, His grace. Because I am not enough. I am stubborn and mean and unpleasant when I want to be. But I am happy and considerate and caring when I want to be. I just need to lay down these burdens, lay down the disappointment I have in myself, lay down the grief I feel because this isn't how I saw things going, lay down the fear of the future, lay down the worry over the uncertainty because He came. He ordained my life, my days, my walk. He picked up what I could not. He carries what I carry. He holds me in His hands. My life, my heart, my future, my spirit, the very essence of who I am, longs to be His. However, I am continually charmed my lesser gods. I sell my self for a cheap thrill, an empty rush. But He brings me back over and over. And that is more than enough for me.

things

things I am enjoying

1. air conditioning
2. johnson's body care green tea lotion
3. new shampoo
4. a dust free room
5. a day off

things I am seeing

1. cleaning supplies spilling in my bathroom
2. clothes that need to be folded
3. new shoes
4. all the books I want to read
5. bike helmet -where did you come from??

things I am missing

1. good use of the "k" and shift key on my laptop
2. bahama bucks and Caroline (together, preferably)
3. tenth street, Karalee, and Erin (again, all together please)
4. sweet Collin
5. not having to drive everywhere

life is good. tangled, messy, and trying. but all good. there are a lot of people who cannot say that today so I am choosing to be thankful for every minute of joy.